I awoke from my sleep on Saturday morning, to find out we were going to the farmhouse. I really didn’t want to go, I just wanted to relax but I understood, I haven’t been with them for 6 days. It was a 30-minute drive, so I had time to tell my parents and sister all the stories I had. My favorite stories surrounded Sunday October 5th. I knew I would remember that date because it was one of the best days of my life. It was a great drive filled with laughter. After the stories ended, there was another 10 minutes left. We were about to pass the cemetery; I knew we would stop by to see my great grandpa; it was like tradition.
That’s when my sister looks at me and her exact words were “oh yeah, abuelita tila died on Monday, I was supposed to tell you. Mami and papi didn’t know how too”. I was devastated; she was my great grandma
How can someone say something like that in that manner? I felt like she just didn’t care. I was angry but depressed; I didn’t know how to feel.
I didn’t talk for the rest of the ride. I don’t know why, there was something in me that didn’t believe it. So I just kept my mouth shut. We had parked the car at the cemetery; my feet wouldn’t move. I knew that there was a chance it’s true. My parents still haven’t even told me. Were they hoping my sister would tell me like she did or did they want me to see the tombstone myself. We walked all the way over to the tombstone and there it was, on the same tombstone it is said victor(my great grandpa) under it said tila. They apparently buried her on top of him. I saw my mom drop to the floor. It took me a while for it to hit me. That when suddenly tears came out of me, the last time this happened was during my break up with my girlfriend. I don’t cry much, ive always tried to be strong. I felt weak; I wanted to throw myself to the floor. I don’t know why I didn’t, I guess I wanted to seem strong, even though I felt like the wind was pushing me over and wanted to throw me down.
The sun beamed on me. My upper lip was wet from the snot falling down. I couldn’t hold it any longer. That’s when my parents left, as if they knew I was about to break. I was left alone.
What made it worst is that I don’t even remember that last time I saw her, I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye, to see her in the casket like everyone. They only thing I remember of her now is her love for ice-cream, the way she ate just like a kid, getting dirty from the ice-cream falling all over her.
Then I remember how she called me “cargador”(carrier). I would carry her from her wheel chair to the car or from the car to the wheel chair or table. Back then I remembered it being an order I had to follow and now I realize it was an honor. When I didn’t show up because of my laziness or homework she would ask my mom” Y mi cargador no vino?” (and my carrier didn’t come?) I never appreciated it until now. I use to hate to go to her house to just end up picking her up and then trying to figure out what she was saying. Now that the only thing I wish I could do is carry her to the car and go buy her a McDonalds super cone. I looked at the tomb stone one more time and it said she Sunday October 5th 2014 and I realized that was supposed to be my favorite day but I guess its not anymore. While I was having fun and partying, my family was crying over my great grandmother. How can I honor my grandmother by doing that type of stuff. I would take back that trip, so that I could have been there at her funeral supporting my family and being able to see her one more time.
I guess at the end the message is “You never appreciate anything until its gone” I learned that during my break up but I guess its hard to appreciate everything, it is. It’s probably not possible to show appreciation to everything but maybe to it is to everyone, especially the loved ones. In my life I went by that quote but what I understood from it was that not many people appreciate strangers for their kind actions. That’s what I appreciated the most in life, those small acts from people that expected nothing in return. Instead of appreciating what actually mattered my friends, my family, my loved ones.
This generation is filled of people saying I have no regrets. I’m not saying their lying but I’m sure everyone has them. Even I do the same sometimes, I tell people I have no regrets but honestly I think my life is full of them. Not spending time with my grandparents or family, not studying as hard as I could have, not trusting the people I love, pride taking over me, lying for no apparent reason. The idea of life isn’t to have no regret but to learn from your regrets and become wiser. No one will be born to know everything, that why we should experiment regret, fail and then learn.
“Life challenges aren’t meant to paralyze you, they’re supposed to help you discover who we are”
In loving memory of Tila,
here is a picture of her in china town peru with my family
(she is in the wheel chair)